Lovers of my books The Carrero Series will love this brand new bonus scene.
Universal book links
Book 1 - myBook.to/TheCarreroEffect
Book 2 - myBook.to/CarreroInfluence
Book 3 - myBook.to/CarreroSolution
Book 4 - myBook.to/CarreroHeart1
Book 5 - myBook.to/CarreroHeart2
Jake's POV - myBook.to/JakesPOV
Just Rose - getBook.at/JustRose
Please note - there is swearing and sexual references, this is not suitable for those under 18 years of age.
Read at your own risk!!
Universal book links
Book 1 - myBook.to/TheCarreroEffect
Book 2 - myBook.to/CarreroInfluence
Book 3 - myBook.to/CarreroSolution
Book 4 - myBook.to/CarreroHeart1
Book 5 - myBook.to/CarreroHeart2
Jake's POV - myBook.to/JakesPOV
Just Rose - getBook.at/JustRose
Arrick Carrero's POV
The Carrero Heart book 1 - After Sophie and he part ways, breaking up with Natasha
Sitting on my couch, leaning forward with elbows propped on
my knees, I stare at my cell for the millionth time and scroll to Sophie’s name
on the list. Last call was twenty-eight days ago…twenty-eight long days of
hell, silence, and lack of Sophie. Twenty-eight days; the last time I felt
anything but the constant absence and heavy pit in my stomach, from her just
disappearing in every single way and leaving a gaping silent space in my life.
I’m missing her like crazy, keeping her last texts messages
because it’s all I have left of her. I scroll to the very last one, again. It’s
a nothing text; I don’t even remember what it was in response too, as it’s not
connected to the conversation before it. Just one single text, one that sums
her up in so very few words and I stare at it as my chest heaves with that same
ingrained weight that I feel daily.
You’re lame, badboy
xxx
I stare at her smiling face, I saved as her contact image,
and it has the same effect that it has every time I do this to myself. Like a
gut punch from something sharp. Dull, yet piercing. She has no idea how much
this hurts. I never knew I could miss someone with the depths of agony that I
miss her. That missing someone could make every part of you ache, like a
toothache you cannot relieve, no matter what you do.
I trawl my cell almost daily, for the snippets of video on
my phone that have her in them, for the signs of her in my life, our past life.
It’s all I have since she disappeared on all my social media; she either
removed her accounts, or blocked me on every single one, I know because I have
searched for her. All the pictures she had tagged me in are gone too. It’s like
she just wiped out every connection in one fell swoop. Cut me off and severed
me, like I deserve.
I stare at that smiling, once happy face. Taken on a trip, a
couple years back. Perfection in a picture. That almost love heart shaped face,
framed in natural honey blonde hair, big tropical blue eyes and the devastating
mouth of a born seductress. Pouted soft pink lips, natural blushed cheeks and
flawless complexion. Sophie could have been a model in another lifetime, if she
had a start with the Huntsbergers long ago, and never developed the fear of men
she has now. She’s beautiful enough. I don’t have a single bad picture of her
in my cell, every one as photogenically flawless as the previous. She never
really acted like she knew she was gorgeous, I don’t think she ever saw it and
it only made me love her all the more.
I know it’s not right, to sit and stare at her face anytime
I’m alone, to try and find pieces of her I can draw back to me. Natasha is
clinging to me, trying so hard to make this work. But my heart walked out that
door four weeks ago, and never looked back. I didn’t know what I had until I
didn’t have her anymore.
It kills me inside.
I dream about her, I think about every day, yet I know I
lost all of it. She was more than just my best friend, she was ingrained on my
soul, so that severing every tie has torn me apart. I never knew how much I
needed her in my life, never saw how emotionally invested I was in her, until
she left. Except I made her go, didn’t’ I? This was my choice. My doing; so I
only have myself to blame.
She told Jake that she doesn’t want to hear from me, I keep
telling myself to give her time. I thought I knew what I needed to do, to fix
this whole mess. I figured in time we could sort this out, but all time has
shown me, is that I stayed behind with the wrong girl. Sophie took more than
just her things from my life, she took the sun, the happiness, and the sense of
purpose with her. Since she walked away, I just feel like I don’t care about
anything anymore.
My phone buzzes and Natasha’s name pops up at the top of the
screen, above Sophie's smiling face. I have to drag my eyes from her to look, and
it takes a moment longer than it should.
Almost there, are we
going out to eat? xXx
I feel that same weight of duty and guilt come over me, it
always drags me back to this. The fact I am still here, still doing this, and
trying to make amends. I sigh as my thumb hovers over the home key on my cell,
the one which will tuck her face out of sight again, so I can respond to Tasha.
I linger, looking at her and feel that same weight hit me in the heart, it
happens so many times a day that I should be used to it, but I swear it gets
worse every day.
Every blonde girl I see, every dumb unicorn or fast food
vendor. Every cheesy pop song, old movie or lame girly cartoon. I just see her.
Everywhere. Like my own personal torment. It never feels any better.
Sure x
I reply, with zero enthusiasm. I know I am just going
through the motions with Natasha. I don’t even know why anymore.
I throw my cell on the coffee table and slump back. I can’t
bring myself to kiss her, let alone sleep with her and we seem to just be
skirting around one another all the time. Polite, weird, strained atmosphere.
She is the one who is trying so hard to be together again, when it should be
me. I’m the one who fucked it all up, I’m the one who betrayed her, yet I just
can’t find it in me to try.
Staring at the ceiling for a minute, I know I should go get
changed. I’m still in my sweats from training, but I don’t care. I can’t be
bothered getting up and showering, can’t really face going out to eat either.
Nate has been busting my ass the last few weeks, over how off focus my game is
and my trainer managed to punch me square in the jaw today, because I let my
guard down. A rookie mistake, one I never make, but my head isn’t on fighting
anymore. Nothing seems to get my head back on task anymore. Maybe I just need a
break, and time, to do absolutely nothing. A trip skiing, or maybe just on my dad’s
yacht. Thing is … every trip I have ever enjoyed, also has memories of her.
I sit up and grab the remote, in a bid to push her out of my
head, and stop torturing myself over this. I made my choice and I need to man up
and live with the consequences. It will get better, it will pass. Sophie is
still there, just out of reach, but I’ll get her back…. She loves me as much as
I love her, we are like two magnets who are always drawn back to one another,
and if I can just fix all of this first, she will come around too. I’m just
wallowing, feeling sorry for myself, because I miss her. I just need to think
beyond this, when feelings are less bruised, and people are more open to
building bridges. I can’t give up on the hope that I will see her again.
I hit the button on the remote and the last paused movie is
still on screen. I never watch movies anymore. The last few weeks I have kept
myself busy almost constantly, so that I can come home and crash and sleep away
the hours, before I do it all again.
I blink at the screen as I try to work out what it is,
pressing play so that it comes to life in a burst of colour.
It’s Sophie’s favourite movie, paused from when she was sat
here watching it. I can almost picture her next to me, doe eyed at the cartoon
unicorn on screen and sobbing her eyes out when she finds her family in the
sea. Clinging to me, in a bid to relieve her upset and stealing the popcorn from
my lap as she snuggled herself against me. I know every detail of this movie,
she has watched it so many times that is imprinted on my brain for an eternity.
I stare at the screen and it just hits me with the weight of
a thunder bolt. My heart constricting painfully as I stare at the dumb white
horse in front of me.
Nothing will ever be
like it was, Sophie will never sit here with me again, and watch this movie.
Ever.
Even if I manage to salvage a friendship, Natasha doesn’t
want me to know her anymore. I betrayed her with Sophie, she would never want
her near me again. She has all but begged me to promise to never go back to how
it was with Soph’s. I couldn’t, I can’t promise that. It goes against
everything in me, but even I know how callous it would be to do that to Tasha.
Sophie is all I want. If I could have her here right now,
beside me, watching this dumb movie and eating junk food then I would… over
Natasha coming, over everything. I just miss her that much.
I chose the wrong
girl.
I stare at the screen, numbing out the noises and images and
just become so consumed with the fact that this isn’t temporary. This isn’t
something that will end, and we can pick up the pieces. This was a choice of
one or the other. Of never being with Sophie ever again, and it strangles me
with the force of a steel grip.
I never saw it that way at the time, I kept telling myself
it was a means to an end. I never really thought that one choice, one moment of
doing the right thing would be an end to her…and me….. That I would never be a
part of her life ever again. That I would lose every single one of those
moments we shared. Innocent moments, movies, jokes, smiles… her smile. It rips
me open like I am just a piece of paper and emotion hits me in the throat. It
really feels like someone just switched on a light and illuminated the flaws in
my plan, in the most stupendous way.
I love Sophie. It kills me that I can love her this much and
was stupid enough to give that up, to give her up. I don’t want Natasha, I want
Sophie. If I’m being honest then I always have wanted her. It’s why I could
never just ignore the two am cries for help. It’s part of my soul to be there
for her to fall on, and no one is doing that for her now.
Who’s there for her when she needs a hug, when she needs
someone to pick her up? No one, because I know her. She won’t let anyone close.
I should be there. I am the one who was always meant to bandage her wounds,
wipe away her tears. In the weeks that I haven’t, then who has? Who has been
taking care of my girl?
It’s a pain worse than death to realise that I did this to
her. That she’s been alone all this time, hating me, hurt by me, and yet
knowing her. Suffering alone. She won’t turn to those she loves for support… that
was always me. I was her rock. I didn’t just severe a friendship to save a
relationship I feel obliged to be in. I let the girl who loves me and needs me,
walk away to be alone, to suffer alone so I could save face. I let the girl I
love go. And I do… I love her. I really love her.
Shit.
Staring at a white horse prancing around on screen, feeling
the dampness hit my cheek as the realisation hits me that this is the problem
right here. I didn’t let a girl I care about walk away. I pushed the girl I am
crazy in love with, out the door. For someone I don’t.
I don’t love Natasha.
It’s guilt, it’s a sense of duty and loyalty. But it’s not
love. I could never feel about Tasha the way I feel about Soph’s. Sophie makes
me feel like I’m going crazy without her, she brings emotions out in me that no
one else has ever been able too. Didn’t I learn anything when she cut me off
once before?
I am so in love with
her.
It hits me like a slap in the face.
I claw my cell back from the table, brain on auto pilot and mind
just reacting. Panic searing through me at a rate of noughts.
I need to talk to her, I need to just hear her voice once,
to tell her I am still here, that I love her. The way she loved me, if she even
still does. I need to just end this agony for both of us. Want to know that she isn’t alone and dealing
with shit by herself. I want to hug her more than anything right now. To feel
her against me jut for a second, one more time. I want her to know that I will
always still be only a call away.
Twenty-eight days is an eternity and I can’t do this
anymore. I can’t leave her alone anymore. It kills me to think about it, to see
her out there, standing on her own two feet. She wasn’t built to be alone, I
can’t bear the thought of it.
I scroll until I find her number, the call from that day and
hit the icon without questioning it anymore. Holding it to my ear as my hands
begin to tremble and I have no clue what I even want to say to her. I only want
to reach out to her.
It beeps three times and cuts off, I knew it would, it’s
done it every time I tried in the past weeks, but there’s a part of me that
hoped she would have unblocked my cell at some point. I try again and get the
same noise, ripping my heart from my chest. Praying that there must be a way.
My emotion catches in my throat and I call Jake instead. He
has her new apartment details in the city, he will know where she is, be able
to call her. He can tell me how to get hold of her. I know he’s been seeing
her, making sure all her bills are paid and I know she started school. I have
had to curb the urge to go there so many times. I have tried to just give her
space, tried to not bring her up in every conversation with him.
It rings, and he isn’t long to answer.
‘Hey, what’s up kiddo?’ Jake sounds tired, I can hear the
kids in the background and know he’s at home. It’s late, almost eight pm.
‘I need to talk to her.’ I blurt out impulsively, emotion
going haywire and my voice sounds gruff and shaky. I tale a slow inhale to calm
myself, realising my hands are trembling crazily now, but Jake only sighs.
‘She doesn’t want to hear from you Arry…We have been through
this.’ Jake sounds pained, he knows I have been having a tough time dealing
with her absence, but he doesn’t think I should try and get hold of her while I
am with Natasha. If anything, he’s been pissed at me for weeks, that I chose to
fix this relationship… I guess I can see why now. He hasn’t been shy about
being off with me, over all of it.
‘I need to talk to her, know how to find her.’ I can feel the panic gripping my body, like
this sudden realisation has finally hit me and that I have left it so long that
I need to be urgent. Before I lose anymore of the slight hold I may still have
on her. All I want right now is just some sort of connection to her, her voice,
anything.
‘There’s someone else. I’m sorry Arry….I didn’t know how to
tell you.’ Jakes voice is hoarse, emotion filled, and I cannot compute what
he’s saying to me.
‘What do you mean there’s someone else?……. Sophie doesn’t
let anyone close.’ My voice breaks, heart crushing in my chest and breath
hitting me hard. My mind scrambling to decipher the words he’s hitting me with
and refusing to believe them.
‘That’s why I know there’s someone else….. this guy. She’s
with him a lot, every time I call her, he’s in the background. I think it’s
serious.’ Jake’s voice trails off and I just stare blankly at the screen, numb
with the shock of what he’s telling me.
It’s too late, I left
it too late. She’s not mine anymore.
The weight of that realisation hits me harder than any
sucker punch I have ever endured in the ring, I physically exhale and slump
down, heart constricting badly and pain choking me. The thought of Sophie with
some other guy takes away the last blinkers that may have lingered and it
nearly cripples me with jealousy. I hate the thought of some other guy, being
to her, what I was…what I should have been. It’s not how it’s supposed to be.
She’s mine, she’s always been mine… she stood in front of me and told me she
loved me. She offered me all of her. It was mine for the taking. It doesn’t get
to be his.
‘What do I do?’ I croak out, unable to hold back the pain in
my face, behind my eyes, consuming my throat. Mind consumed with how the hell I
get her back. How I find her and beg her to let me in. I’ll beat the shit out
of him, who ever he is. No one gets to be to my girl what I should be. I don’t
lose her this way, not after everything.
‘Leave her to live her life….. You have Natasha…I mean you
didn’t call and say, it’s over…so………’ Jake seems to be pointing out the obvious
and I nod numbly, slapped in the face by my own brother, sense coming back;
he’s right. I didn’t. I called him to reach out to her, yet I have a girlfriend
who should be arriving at any minute and here I am, trying to confess undying
love to someone else. I don’t deserve Sophie; I’m an idiot of the epic
proportions and I can’t even sort my shit out before I desperately make
attempts at reaching for her. I’m an asshole.
She deserves so much
more than this.
I hear the elevator ping and realise Tasha’s almost here.
‘I need to go. I’ll call you tomorrow.’ I respond emptily,
despite the turmoil of grief going off inside of me, too consumed right now
with what I am feeling to say anything else. I hang up before he responds,
before he gives me a lecture, or just calls me out for being an, idiot, or an asshole.
Sophie is right.
I am lame.
It kills me inside that she’s not my Soph’s anymore. I can’t
think about this right now.
I stand up when I hear the elevator ping again, pushing it
all down expertly behind that face of coolness I excel at; the noise time
indicating it’s hit my floor and I cradle my cell in my hand. Wiping my face
with my sleeve in a bid to get ready to face her. I have no idea what the hell
I’m going to say, or do. I can barely get my head together and I am still in my
sweats and tee. All I can do is concentrate on breathing as the internal
turmoil tries to consume me. All I can think about is what he said.
There is someone
else……
She walks in smiling, carrying a bunch of roses that she
obviously brought for the apartment. She is forever trying to add her touches,
make her mark, and yet… Sophie never tried, it just happened organically. Sophie
never ever tried to weld herself to me at all, it was always just a natural
thing, the two of us merging. Natasha just tries so hard, all the time.
She will never be her. She isn’t her. She will never replace
her.
Jesus, what have I
done?
‘Hey.’ She smiles warmly, depositing the flowers on the
counter and turns to me with a look of surprise. Taking in my appearance and
then my face.
‘What’s wrong? You look awful?’ She blinks at me, all dark
soft eyes and elfin features. Natasha is a pretty girl, she always has been,
but if I am being honest with myself. I only ever saw in her, someone who
looked nothing like Sophie. It feels like everything is just clicking clearly
into place and with every little notch of the puzzle fitting, it just
highlights how much of a complete jerk I am. How blind I have been to exactly
where my heart has always been.
Soph’s the reason my life is falling to shit these past
weeks. Sophie leaves and I fall apart. Isn’t that how it always goes.
Why didn’t I see this?
‘I……’ I can’t even find the words to say this. I have no
clue how to tell a girl that it’s over, when all she has done is try to make me
love her again, for weeks on end. Being the model of patience and understanding
when really, I deserved nothing from her.
It doesn’t matter that Sophie is out of my reach now, she’s
moved on. None of that matters. I can’t stay with a girl I don’t love and live
in the memory of the one who got away. It’s not fair on her. I can’t give her
something I don’t have to give. Sophie took my heart when she left, and I don’t
want it back. It’s hers, it always will be. I gave it to her, and whether she
knows she possess it or not, is irrelevant. I know it belongs to her and always
will. I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out.
‘Don’t say it…. Don’t!’ Natasha looks instantly distraught
and the tears immediately hit her eyes, making me feel even shittier about
this. She knows what I am thinking, she can see it written all over me and I
can’t pretend anymore. I don’t have it in me to console her right now. There’s
nothing left of me, but an empty gaping hole and a lot of ache.
‘We just need time… it’s still early days, there is so much
we still have to fight for.’ She is floundering, panicking and looking at me
like a wounded puppy. It doesn’t affect me the way Sophie’s tears always get to
me, the way that look as she walked to her room that night ripped me in two.
How I could never see the difference between them before now, really dumbfounds
me. Sophie being hurt is like having my insides wrenched out from my body. Watching
Natasha cry just makes me feel guilty, like a failure and a shitty person, but
it doesn’t devastate me. The thought of my girl out there crying, now that is
enough to end me.
‘I’m sorry…. I can’t. Time isn’t going to fix this….. I love
her.’ I say it out loud, like I really am still trying to test myself, but it
just makes it more painful. Because it comes out so easily, three little words
I have always had a hard time saying to Tasha, to anyone. With Sophie, like everything
with her… it’s natural. I wish I had said them to her when I had the chance. It
twists my stomach even thinking about it.
‘You’re a bastard.’ Natasha screams at me and throws her
bunch of flowers at me across the room, I dodge them as they splay across the
couch, knock over some of the decor on the surface and watch as her face
contorts in pain, tears flowing free.
‘I’m sorry.’ It’s all I can say, because my mind is made up.
I’m tired of doing this, trying to pretend this is where I want to be, when it’s
not. It’s always a struggle for me, to face her, to be around her, to try and
touch her. Because my head is in the one place I think it will always be, even
if I never see her again.
Wherever Sophie is…
that is where my head will always be.
#team arry#
ReplyDeleteall the way xx
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